07JUNE2017

A YEAR AGO, IT WAS MY GRADUATION. ONE YEAR LATER, IT IS MY ONE YEAR OF FLYING. TIME FLIES. HOW MUCH I WANT THE TIME TO JUST STOP IN THE HAPPY MOMENT FOREVER. I DON'T WANT TO FACE THE TRUTH THAT I AM UNHAPPY ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I DO NOT WISH TO CRY OVER EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. I DO NOT WANT MY EVERYDAY TO BE WORK, GYM, SWIM, CRY, STUDY, REPEAT. I DON'T KNOW SINCE WHEN I BECAME SO FRAGILE. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I AM STRONG BUT I WAS WRONG. I WAS FOOLED BY MYSELF. I'M TIRED OF PUTTING A STRONG FRONT OF EVERYONE. I CANNOT EVEN BE REAL INFRONT OF ANYONE. BAD FLIGHT ONE AFTER ANOTHER. EVERYDAY COMING HOME TO JUST MYSELF. BEING BANNED TO DO WHAT I WANT. I WASN'T GIVEN A CHOICE. WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT A CHOICE? I WANT MY LIFE TO HAVE A CHOICE. I DON'T WANT TO NUMB MYSELF WITH NUMB-LESS PAIN,CRY, RUNNING, SWIMMING TO HIDE MY FEELINGS. I DON'T WANT THE OLD ME TO BE BACK. I LOVE TO BE A CREW YET I HATE TO BE A CREW. I LOVE MY PASSENGERS MORE THAN ANYTHING AND ANYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF. I HATE MY COLLEAGUES JUST LIKE HOW MUCH I HATE BEING CONTROLLED OVER. EVER SINCE I JOINED THIS CAREER, I JUST WANT TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE. OWN TIME, OWN TARGET.THERE ARE TIMES I FELT SO NEGATIVE ABOUT MY LIFE. THERE ARE TIMES I FELT THE NEED TO SURVIVE. BUT HONESTLY, THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME TO LIVE ON MY LIFE NOW. I HAVE FULFILLED MY BIGGEST DREAM JOB. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I CAN'T WEAR THE BATIK DUE TO MY CONDITION. I WANT TO JUST LEAVE FOREVER AND I WANT TO BE REBORN WITHOUT ANY HEALTH CONDITION. I WILL STILL CHOOSE TO BE A CABIN CREW IN MY NEXT LIFE. BUT THIS TIME ROUND, I WANT TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS AIRLINE CABIN CREW. I WANT TO PUT ON THE BATIK, I WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN NAPFA TEST, I WANT TO LIVE WITH NO REGRETS, I WANT TO RIDE ON A ROLLER COASTER, I WANT TO DO BUNGEE JUMP, I WOULD NOT MIND TO TRY ANYTHING RISKY BECAUSE I HAVE LIVED ONCE. PERHAPS MY PREVIOUS LIFE, I HAVE DONE ALL THESE, THUS MY CURRENT LIFE, I WAS BORN WITH HEART CONDITION AND BEING BANNED TO DO ALL THESE. PERHAPS MY PREVIOUS LIFE'S DEATH CAUSED BY ONE OF THESE REASON. I LEARNT TO BE FAKE SINCE YOUNG. FAKING A SMILE, FAKING HAPPINESS. I WAS NUMBED SINCE YOUNG. SO MUCH THINGS HAPPENED, SO MUCH UNHAPPINESS AND HAPPINESS. THERE ARE ALWAYS UPS AND DOWNS IN LIFE, MOSTLY IS WITHIN OUR CONTROL BUT WE FAILED TO CONTROL IT WELL. I MISS BEING THE NEGATIVE ICE QUEEN. THEREFORE I'M CURRENTLY FEELING SO NEGATIVE AGAIN. I HATE IT YET I LOVE IT. BAD FLIGHTS JUST MAKE ME WANNA QUIT SO BADLY. I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM ALL MY PROBLEMS. I SHOULD BE NUMBING MYSELF NOW BUT I'M WASTING MY TIME HERE, DOING THESE AND DOING NOTHING. I HATE HOW MUCH I CAN'T SHOW MY FEELINGS TO OTHERS. I HATE HOW NUMB AM I. I HATE HOW FAKE AM I.TEARY EYES BUT I JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT IN. FAKE A SMILE AND MOVE ON WITH LIFE.